Another message from Mike

Today I received a phone call from my niece, Abbey. She reminded me of something I told her a long time ago that was a comfort to her when she was in a bad place. 

She told me she had been very depressed from April to June and had a lot of stomach pain. Since mainstream medicine wasn't helping she decided to try alternative medicine such as Reiki, acupuncture and other things. (As an aside, Mike was sinking into deep depression in April. He had a lot of stomach pain as his liver deteriorated. And he died in June. Abbey has been told that she is very sensitive to other people's pain, as am I. Her pain and depression started to ease up in June. Mike died on June 4.)

About a week ago she went to a psychic for help. She selected carefully and found one with a good reputation. In the course of the meeting he asked her about someone who had passed suddenly. She knew he was talking about Mike. He went on to tell her things that only we and Mike could know. He told her Mike wanted to 'come through' Keep in mind that Abbey had not told him anything about Mike or even that he existed since she was interested in information for herself.

Since this was such a remarkable session she created an mp3 of the part pertaining to Mike.

Im going to try to upload it here. If you are a close friend of Mike's or family, Im sure you will recognize Mike.

Let me reemphasize that I did not seek connection with Mike through a psychic. My niece did but not about Mike. Thats why this has validity for me. Im trying to figure out how to make this so you can listen to it online. As it stands now you will have to download it to hear it. It is about 6 MB and lasts about 5 minutes. You can take this or leave it alone. It isn't for everyone. Im sure you will self select.

Here is the link:

Message from Mike
 The beginning is self explanatory. Mike talks about his mental anguish and how he tried to cover it. But we all knew. He apologized for the pain he has caused us. But he wants the family to know that he is ok.
Then the psychic told her that there is a name coming through starting with D or a DA. He said it was in his circle of friends. One of his good friends was Dorrian. But he also kept saying Dan or Danny. If you look at the top of this blog you can see I used the name, Danielmyson for the blog. I did this because Mike was still alive when I started it and I wanted to protect his identity.
'He's a smart alec' 'He didn't believe in this when he was alive' Thats true. He often ridiculed me if I told him anything that he thought was 'airy fairy'.
The psychic asked if they found him on the ground. I told Abbey that when he was in the skilled nursing facility he was confused and trying to get out of bed. I was the only one with him. I tried to keep him in bed. But he is so much bigger than me. He struggled up and made his way to the bathroom. I followed him in and pulled the nurses call button. Just as the nurse arrived, Mike started to crumple to the floor. I eased him down and ended up sitting there with him on my lap, cradling him like my baby. It was one of the sweetest moments I remember of that awful time. The throat thing refers to the last several days of his life when he was unconscious and breathing the 'death rattle' It sounds a lot like snoring. But it isn't. Its really an awful sound, especially when you know it is the sound of dying. It was so loud and so troubling that we couldn't stay in the room with him. We sat outside the door and listened and waited for the end to come. It didn't come for several days. His throat must have been very sore. At the end he had become quiet. Frank was with him in the room when he die. Im grateful that he didnt die alone.
He asks who david or davis is. He did have a friend named david. But I don't think he had seen him for years. 
He mentioned a birthday. It was My birthday on September 16 and Mike's birthday was September 4
You can take this or leave it alone. I hope that it helps some of you. I think it has helped me. But Im really exhausted after this day. 

A thought that comforts

I finally had a thought that comforts me. Each time I heard about an accident anywhere near where Mike lived, I had a small stab of fear that it was Mike. I also worried when I heard about a man that had gone crazy and done bad things. Mike had periods of instability when he might have been the one. I had a quick thought of Mike whenever I heard of someone who got a DUI or a hit and run. None of these things ever happened to Mike. But the potential was there. When the young man who was mentally unstable shot those people in Arizona I thought of Mike. When it happened Mike was not in a good place. He even emailed me a picture of the young man standing with his arm around his mother and you could see that they loved each other. Obviously this was taken when he was not in the throws of mental illness. It was very troubling to me. It was like Mike was taunting me with that picture. The message I got was, 'I love you Mom. But I might do something crazy' Sometimes Mike was not a very nice person. I think he was trying to alienate us so he could carry out his plan to drink himself to death. He succeeded.
Im free of that now. And Mike is at peace. That comforts me. He freed me from my
fears. He knew what he was doing. And in doing so, he found his peace as well.
But oh my goodness, it hurts. When I look back on his life I can see his pain and his mental instability. But I was not able to help him.
My anguish and my anger are that he had this mental illness in the first place. My frustration is that there was treatment for it. He was under treatment for 2 years and I saw my real son.  But he stopped taking his medication and the crazy Mike came back.
But at least I no longer have to fear for his safety or the safety of others. It is a small comfort. But its something.

Synopsis

I have joined an online group called 'Parents of Suicide'. I felt a need to connect with people who have lost a child to suicide. They have been asking me to tell Mike's story. It is hard to do. Since they are visiting this blog, Im going to give a brief synopsis here. When Im ready I will fill in more details.
Mike was 42 years old when he died of Alcoholic liver failure. He chose to kill himself with alcohol. It was a long tedious process spanning several years. At first alcohol numbed him. But when his liver started to fail he realized that it could be his ticket out of his sad and scary life.
He and I both have bipolar disorder. His was a much more severe form. His mood swings went from deep depression to a sense of anxiety and heightened fears. He sometimes got to the intoxicating high that bipolars often experience. But most of the time it was what my therapist called a 'mixed state'. During those times he was extremely anxious and restless and felt that demons were haunting him.

Mike tried to get those demons out of his head through art. He left 100's of drawings with intricate patterns and very often a demonic face. He told me that drawing these faces was the only way to get them out of his head.
So it didn't come as a surprise to me when I was told the Mike was getting hospice care and would die soon.
Naturally there is much more to this story. I will try to write more soon.

Buried at Sea

Today I got a very unexpected phone call. I was sitting in my car waiting for the light to change. I answered it and it was the cremation service that had taken Mike. The lady told me very simply that Mike had been buried at sea. I burst into tears. I managed to pull the car into a parking lot. I cried for an hour. My grief was as raw as the moment Mike died. I could feel the tangle of his thick curley hair in my hand, just as I felt it when I wept over his dead body.
This has thrown me into a tailspin. I realized that all the feelings I have been stuffing these last four months are just below the surface waiting to come out. I have decided I need some grief counseling. I am in Sacramento. I got on the internet and found some help. I will see a counselor tomorrow. I also signed up for an online support group.  I wish I didn't have to do this. But I just can't seem to make my way through the maze of memories and pain.