Healing

Wow, I went a whole day without writing in my blog! Im looking outward, not inward.  Frank and I went to a grief support group on Monday. We both cried as we told our story. We were drained the rest of the day. I talked to my therapist about grief support groups and survivors of suicide support groups. He said a lot of people in the groups are stuck in the grieving process. Certainly not all. Im sure a lot of people go to the support groups long enough to get what they need from them and then move on.  This is what we did when Mike was in his 20's and was in a drug and alcohol treatment program. As family members we were encouraged to go to support group meetings as well. They were sort of like Alanon meetings. But the course ended after 20 weeks. We went to every one. Slowly we began to see how we fit into the pattern of codependency and dysfunction with the substance abuser. We understood what we were doing and why we felt so bad about it. Once we got it we stopped going. I cant say we completely broke free of this self defeating pattern with Mike. But we did recognize when we were doing things for Mike that he needed to do for himself. Usually we were able to change what we were doing. But not always.  The alanon meetings were a downer for me. I felt like I was in the room with people who were repeating the same behaviors then beating themselves up about it at the meetings.
My plan is to work through all this grief as quickly as I can while resuming my life as much as possible. If I have a day when Im overwhelmed, I just allow myself to feel that way. The next day is usually much better because I allowed the feelings to play out the day before.
I feel relieved that Im not going to be going to suicide survivors support groups, or spend time on suicide support websites. I read the material. I got what I needed from it. Now I get to go to dog beach, go to the zoo, go to the gym and work with my therapy dog program.
I absolutely know, that Mike did this to free us from the tragedy that was his life. The bigger tragedy would be if we were to allow ourselves to get stuck in a grieving cycle without end.

Optimism

Most people are inherently optimistic.  Even when life gets them down, the seek a positive spin on things. Sure there are people with mental illness that arent able to do that. But for the most part we all want to feel good about ourselves and our lives and we search for a way to do that.
This morning Im feeling quite optimistic about my life. I feel that Im heading in the right direction in the grief process. I have been told that grief comes in waves. Right now, I feel good. So I will go with that feeling as long as I possibly can.  Im picking up the pieces of my life. Each time I do something ordinary that was a part of my life before Mike died, I feel like Im getting back to normal.
On Saturday Toby and I went to the tricks class at Paws'itive teams. Toby did great. He is a fast learner and he loves to 'work'. It was great to see everyone. It felt so good to be doing the things I love to do with my friends at Paws'itive teams.

Reaching for a thought that feels better

I have a digital picture frame.  The other day I filled it with over 300 pictures from my computer. Im an avid photographer. I take pictures of pretty much everything I see. I have over 12,000 pictures on my computer.  I have the frame in my bedroom and keep it going all day. As I sat and watched it last night, each picture brought back a memory. I get so much pleasure out of the pictures that stand out, and I remember exactly where I was, and who I was with when I took the picture. There are pictures of Mike, but they are only a small percentage of the total.  It occurred to me that Mike isnt the only thing in my life. It has felt that he is the only one that existed these last few weeks. But the reality is that he wasnt a large part of our lives. He lived his life with others. The friends that he had got to be with the Mike who was fun, clever talented and intelligent. The Mike we got was sick, or hurt(in a car accident). Once he recovered he returned to his place in Carlsbad, and we went back to our lives.  It didnt feel good to us to have him with us when he was sick. In fact it felt yucky. It was always a relief when he returned to his place.
As I watched the pictures on the frame, there was so so much to remember, so many wonderful times with friends, family, at various beautiful places, so many times when I got the perfect shot and was so very pleased about it.
Im reaching for a thought that feels better. There are over 300 'thoughts'. Each time the frame changes there is another beautiful memory. 

Survivors of Suicide

Ive been cruising around the internet looking at sites for people who have lost a loved one by suicide.  Even though Mike died from alcohol consumption, he knew what he was doing. He chose alcohol to do it. Im learning that Im not alone. Many many people share this experience.
Here is an excerpt from a pamphlet called, 'Coping with suicide loss'

Because suicide is often poorly understood, some survivors feel unfairly victimized by stigma. They may feel the suicide is somehow shameful, or that they or their family are somehow to blame them for this tragedy.

But you should know that 90 percent of all people who die by suicide have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death (most often depression or bipolar disorder). Just as people can die of heart disease or cancer, people can die as a consequence of mental illness. Try to bear in mind that suicide is almost always complicated, resulting from a combination of painful suffering, desperate hopelessness and underlying psychiatric illness. 

This is absolutely true of Michael.His bipolar disorder was much worse than mine. He suffered terribly from demons that haunted him in the night. He was ok when he was working or with other people. But when he went home the walls closed in on him. He drank to numb that, even though he knew he was killing himself

Ray of light

The nice thing about this blog is that my friends and family can check in and see how Im doing. I awoke with a headache this morning. But the good thing is that I did sleep well once I got to sleep.
My friend and neighbor Martha sent me an email after reading last night's post:
"Dearest friend.  I just read the latest addition to your blog.  I just don't know the words to tell you how much my heart aches for you when I know how sad you are.  Surely this pain will get better someday.  Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.'
My response was:
'Thank you for your kind words, Martha. Im sure it is difficult for you too see me hurting. We have so much in common.  What a dark time it is for us. We must try to find a ray of light in each day. When we see it we need to lock on to it and allow it to lighten our load. When we are open to it, it will come

I talked to Rosalee yesterday. She is very concerned about you and Dave. She told me to be sure and let you know that she is available for anything you need. Now that I know how much this hurts, I wish I had been there for Rosalee more. 

Today is another day. Lets begin anew.

Love, Sallee'

 

Not such a good day

This day didnt go so well. I did my best to keep going. Went to the gym and had a session with my trainer. Picked up a few groceries. 
Whenever I have to talk to someone who knows about Michael I feel like crying. I know they are sympathetic and that just brings on the tears. 
There are friends that dont yet know that Mike died. I want to tell them. But the thought of their shock and dismay is just too hard to bear. I sent my sister Sue an email and asked her to tell my VietNamese friends.
I have emailed our German and French friends. Of course they are shocked. 
Ive  been fighting tears all day.  Mike is always on my mind. So many reminders of him tumble together in my mind. Again and again I feel the excruciating pain of holding his dead body, running my fingers through his hair, crying out to him, ' I loved you Mike!! I love you! Why oh why couldnt I help you? Why wasnt a mother's love enough to save my boy?'
I see him at all different ages. the curley headed baby, the gangly teenager,  the handsome limo driver, the dying man.. all of these are my son. They float around in my mind.  I cant grab on to any of them. I cant hold them. They are all my son, and all of them are gone. All my memories of Mike will be colored by the fact that he chose to leave this earth.  I brought him in. But he didnt want to stay!

Addendum to previous entry

I got an email from my friend this evening thanking me for helping them today. She told me that Mike was there with us cheering me on and saying, 'Good job Mom. Now you are doing what you do best.' How else can we explain me being sent to the exact same clinic where I took Mike so many times? I was so focused on my friends I didnt have time to worry about flashbacks from my previous experiences with Mike there.

Irony

Today a good friend called me to ask me if I would take her and her husband to the doctor. He received a diagnosis of liver cancer two days ago, and was eager to get in to see a specialist. When he called for an appointment this morning they asked him if he could be there in 45 minutes. Both of their cars were out of commission and they desperately needed to get to this appointment. Fortunately I was able to take them there. Now here is the irony. The doctor appointment was at Kaiser in the exact same office where Mike had gone for his treatment for liver disease!
I offered to go in with them to be a third set of ears with a medical background. (I am an RN). We were in there for an hour and a half while the doctor outlined the treatment options.  I was able to ask questions that my friend's might not have thought to ask and to follow what the doctor was saying so that I could repeat it back to them later.
When Mike was sick with liver failure 2 years ago, I took him to this office many times, and sat in the examining room while the doctors went over his records and made recommendations for treatment. Fortunately I didnt feel at all overwhelmed by being in this situation again. I was just focused on my friends and how I could help them through this.
I believe there are no accidents in life. Everything fits together, even when you cant see the larger picture. This is an example of that.
The best therapy in the world for me is to have the opportunity to help someone through a crises.

Some insight

 My plan is to go through this experience mindfully and learn what I need to learn as I go along. Hopefully what I am learning will help others. So often when I share this blog with someone new, they tell me about a loved on who has been on a similar journey to Mike's. My commitment to Mike and to myself is not to sweep this under the rug and hide the truths of the situation.  We cant learn from that which we deny to be true. We cant help others when we hide the truth.  We cant even help ourselves if we dont look at the situation truthfully.

Video of Mike playing piano with cousin Sean OBrien watching