Healing

Wow, I went a whole day without writing in my blog! Im looking outward, not inward.  Frank and I went to a grief support group on Monday. We both cried as we told our story. We were drained the rest of the day. I talked to my therapist about grief support groups and survivors of suicide support groups. He said a lot of people in the groups are stuck in the grieving process. Certainly not all. Im sure a lot of people go to the support groups long enough to get what they need from them and then move on.  This is what we did when Mike was in his 20's and was in a drug and alcohol treatment program. As family members we were encouraged to go to support group meetings as well. They were sort of like Alanon meetings. But the course ended after 20 weeks. We went to every one. Slowly we began to see how we fit into the pattern of codependency and dysfunction with the substance abuser. We understood what we were doing and why we felt so bad about it. Once we got it we stopped going. I cant say we completely broke free of this self defeating pattern with Mike. But we did recognize when we were doing things for Mike that he needed to do for himself. Usually we were able to change what we were doing. But not always.  The alanon meetings were a downer for me. I felt like I was in the room with people who were repeating the same behaviors then beating themselves up about it at the meetings.
My plan is to work through all this grief as quickly as I can while resuming my life as much as possible. If I have a day when Im overwhelmed, I just allow myself to feel that way. The next day is usually much better because I allowed the feelings to play out the day before.
I feel relieved that Im not going to be going to suicide survivors support groups, or spend time on suicide support websites. I read the material. I got what I needed from it. Now I get to go to dog beach, go to the zoo, go to the gym and work with my therapy dog program.
I absolutely know, that Mike did this to free us from the tragedy that was his life. The bigger tragedy would be if we were to allow ourselves to get stuck in a grieving cycle without end.