Talking to Michael

Michael,
When will I heal from your pain? Whenever my mind is idle, like when Im driving or sitting in my room I think about your life. I feel the deep deep despair you felt for so very long. Dad and I tried to be there for you in every way we could possibly think of. But we couldn't take away your dark dark moods, your loneliness. We couldn't bridge that gap to you, honey, no matter how hard we tried. You left your body. You left your pain behind for me to feel. Sometimes I'm in anguish over your life. This horrible demon that haunted you was so cruel and heartless. You stayed with us as long as you could stand it. But you had to go. I understand that. What I don't understand is why you were cursed with this illness. If I could only find a way to look at your life and be at peace, maybe I could move forward.
Im trying so hard to move forward, Mike. For you, for Katie, for Dad, for the Baby and for the family who loves me and wants me to feel ok.
I don't know what else to do. Please help me, Mike. You are the only one who can.
Love,
Mom

Today is Mike's birthday

Today is Mike's birthday. I knew it was coming. But I had forgotten until Mike's friends from the Limo company called. They are my friends too. Their names are Jon and Ellie. They told me they think about him all the time. Jon has a picture of Mike that he keeps in his driver's bag. He also has Mike's birthday on his calendar. I was so touched that they remembered. But oh My did it send me back to that awful time when he died. 
This is just one more thing to get through. It isn't getting easier.

Left Behind

When a person dies, they go away. But all their stuff stays. Mike's stuff is scattered throughout our house. I try to organize it and get rid of stuff. But I keep finding more stuff. And I must decide what to do with it. Sometimes I just don't have the energy to do anything but move it aside. But each object is a land mine. I can come upon something unexpectedly and it triggers me into a downward spiral. What are they? you ask. His sunglasses. I have pictures of him in full limo driver attire, black suit, white shirt and sunglasses. His tie. He looked quite handsome when he was all dressed up for work. His cell phone. It was very small, about half the size of a deck of cards. I can see him with his hand to his ear talking, knowing that tiny cell phone was there. He never seemed to loose it. His glasses. They were very fragile and almost invisible on his face. But they gave him an air of intelligence and calm. As he was dying he asked if we had found his glasses. He couldn't see very well without them or his contacts. I found them after we cleaned out his apartment. They were tangled in the blanket I had knitted for him years ago. The blanket was on his bed. The glasses were broken and useless. By then he didn't have need of glasses anyway.
Last night I was looking through a little box of miscellaneous things that I keep on my bedside stand. I found a watch he gave me for Christmas years ago. The battery was dead. But I looked at the time anyway. It said, 8:20. I looked over at the clock on the dresser. It said 8:20 exactly! I looked at the watch again for a while. And it was stuck at 8:20. Only once in 12 hours would I look at a stopped watch and see 8:20. But that is exactly the time I looked at it. Perhaps its a signal from Mike.
Well, if it is, Im not sure it is helping me. Cause I feel like crying.

It's not over

I guess it will never really be over. Sometimes I have a week or two when I feel pretty normal, especially when I have lots of distractions. Since Im in Sacramento with my large extended family. I can always count on someone to keep me busy. And not just that, I have their loving support and understanding.
Nevertheless the last two days have been tough. I have been thinking about Mike so much! I go over and over his life. I relive his pain. He suffered in so many ways. I would have given my life to take away the hurt, sadness and loneliness that accompanied the bipolar disorder and alcoholism. But I was powerless over such a formidable enemy.
I remember little flashes of those horrible last days of Mike's life. He lay in bed, first in excruciating pain, then simply unconscious. The tenderness I felt toward him as he lay their breathing with labored breath was almost unbearable. Today I felt those feelings as strong as I did the first time.
I struggled with tears all day. I went to the gym and was crying as I was doing my exercise.  But I soldiered on. I know I needed the exercise. When I got back to the car I just broke down and sobbed. Finally I dried my tears and went on with my day.  But the tears aren't far away even now. Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

Finishing up

Im moving back to my blog called Traveling to Myself. I started it in January 2011. I took almost two months and blogged in this blog. I know Im not finished grieving Mike. I never will be. I have times when I think about him all day remembering the awful, tender sadness as we watched him pass. Sometimes simple things trigger the tears. But I soldier on. Its time to refocus. So Im leaving this blog and taking up Traveling to Myself

Coming full circle

The most astonishing thing has happened. My daughter Katie called us two days ago and uttered two words that will change my life forever. "Im pregnant!"

I never thought I would hear those words from my 41 year old daughter. She has always been adamant that she wasnt going to have children. I have been careful not to pressure her about this. I firmly believe that the decision about whether to have children can and should only be decided by the people who would have them.

Of course I was sad. It has been difficult to see the little ones coming knowing that there were no little ones for me. But I took comfort in the delightful children who are my sister's and brother's grandchildren. 

When I heard those words, I felt my chest open with a woosh and my universe changed for ever. I just started sobbing and saying 'Katie, Katie Katie' over and over. At the same time my mind could not wrap itself around this information.

Katie wants me to be sure I understand that she doesnt want her child linked in any way with Mike. Even though she was pregnant when she came down two months ago when Mike was dying. I completely understand. Katie doesn't want her life on the internet, so I won't be blogging about this.
I think Im finished with this blog. Life goes on. Michael is glad. So am I.

A Family Visit

These last 4 days have been a whirlwind of fun with Skip and his family. Skip is my brother. He and his wife Nancy have three children, Austen, 17, Michelle, 16 and Sierra 9. The took a trip from their home in Sacramento to visit some prospective colleges for Michelle and to come to visit us. They love San Diego with it's beaches and zoo's. And we love having them. They pitched a big tent in the back yard and settled in for a few days. The first order of business was to go through Mike's things together. They helped us sort through everything and decide what to do with them, we made three groups, one for us to keep, one for Skip and his family to take, and one to go to the good will. Mike had his things pretty well organized. He told me he had gotten rid of a lot of things. Obviously he was planning his death. And want to make it as easy on us as possible.
We had decided to give Mike's car to Michelle. She needs it for all her activities at school. Skip and I went to the DMV to put the paperwork in order. 
That evening we went up the hill at sunset to the place where we had Mike's memorial. As we arrived at the site a huge hawk took off from the exact place where we had the memorial. Obviously Mike was there with us. We all spent some quiet time thinking about our own memories of Mike.

New life

We are having a baby boom in the Campbell family. One baby born in June. One due at the end of July. One in November.   I have a choice. Shall I bemoan the fact that I have no grandchildren? Shall I be envious of my sisters and brothers? What possible good could that do? It would only rob me of the joy of these little ones and of sharing in my siblings happiness.  I choose to enjoy and participate in all of it. 
We always have a choice.  

Death vs life

In order to be ok with Mike's death, I need to be ok with death. The word 'death' is pretty grim. There is no way to pretty it up. I think it was invented by people who wanted other people to fear death. Because if they feared death, the other people (are you with me here?) would be able to exert some pressure on the people who feared death.
Mike didnt fear death. He welcomed it. No, he longed for it. He wanted to go for many years if truth be told. He and I had an agreement that even though we wanted to go, we wouldnt actually go because we didnt want to hurt each other that badly. Well, he tried to keep his word. But it all was just too much for him I guess.
Now I see Mike on the other side, the other side of death. What is the opposite of death? Life.  Dark, light. Sad, Happy, Body, spirit. All contrasting.
Mike is standing in the arbor with the yellow flowers, trying to help me understand the fundamental reason why there is no need to fear death. Because there is no death!
The joke is on us! Here we go to all this trouble to keep death at bay. We study how to stop it, how to keep the body alive even though it desperately wants to die.   When the reality is that there is no death! 
That's why Mike has that twinkle in his eye, when he tells Katie, that where he is now is 'better than the alternative' And what would Mike's 'alternative' be? To be alive in a body that is full of pain and tortured by the demons in his mind.
I will have to sort out the 'demons in the mind' thing too. But not today.
Not to worry anyone. I am so happy to be right here in this body on the planet, reaching forward in this life, seeking all that feels good and right to me. Im hanging around for the next adventure. I dont have demons in my head. 
But I do have Mike. And he is able to see far more than I can. And he is able to channel valuable information to me. This wonderful adventure called life has taken on a whole new dimension I can hardly wait to see where I go next.

Looking for a broader perspective

I have not felt the need to write in this blog as much lately. I feel myself taking a small step back and taking stock of how far Ive come and what I have learned, and how I have grown.
We went to dog beach today. This little outing gives us so much happiness as we share the excitement of the dogs. They are absolutely ecstatic from the moment they realize we are going to the moment they plunge joyously into the ocean. One would be hard put not to feel the joy they feel. And so we go.
The drive down has become a time for Frank and I to reflect together. And of course the subject of reflection lately is Michael.  Both Frank and I have our own perspective on the experience. 
Mike's life was one of extreme contrast. He was intelligent and contemplative, seeking out answers to existential questions. When he was feeling well he exuded confidence.  He was a big handsome man. When he was on his game, women took notice. He could be very friendly and outgoing. His friends liked him very much. They enjoyed his company, his wit, his friendliness and his sincere interest in them and their lives.
The downside to Mike was the deep depressions that he tried to drown with alcohol. But he never quite succeeded. Alcohol as most of us know is a depressant. So it will only make matters worse to drink when depressed.  His black moods were characterized by sleeping for 20 hours at a time, drawing his dark drawings and isolating from those who cared about him.
When someone dies, it is tempting to forget the negatives in their life and remember only the good. The problem with that is that when you think that way, the agonizing question becomes, Why? Why did this wonderful person do this. The why lies in the dark side. The only way to find peace about Mike's suicide is to remember his dark side. He chose to step into the light and leave the dark behind.  He did it for himself. He did it for us. He wanted us to be free of the tragedy of his life just as much as he wanted to be free himself. In some strange way, leaving was an act of love.
I choose to honor Michael by returning to the life I was living before he died. This is absolutely what he wants for us. If we allow ourselves to get stuck in the why's of Mikes life, we will show him that we dont understand why he did what he did. Now that Mike is gone I will no longer be weighed down by my fears for his safety, my hurt and pain over things he said and did when he was down, my feeling of hopelessness in the face of his mental illness. When I allow all of that to float away like a feather on a breeze, peace can float down around me.