Looking for a broader perspective

I have not felt the need to write in this blog as much lately. I feel myself taking a small step back and taking stock of how far Ive come and what I have learned, and how I have grown.
We went to dog beach today. This little outing gives us so much happiness as we share the excitement of the dogs. They are absolutely ecstatic from the moment they realize we are going to the moment they plunge joyously into the ocean. One would be hard put not to feel the joy they feel. And so we go.
The drive down has become a time for Frank and I to reflect together. And of course the subject of reflection lately is Michael.  Both Frank and I have our own perspective on the experience. 
Mike's life was one of extreme contrast. He was intelligent and contemplative, seeking out answers to existential questions. When he was feeling well he exuded confidence.  He was a big handsome man. When he was on his game, women took notice. He could be very friendly and outgoing. His friends liked him very much. They enjoyed his company, his wit, his friendliness and his sincere interest in them and their lives.
The downside to Mike was the deep depressions that he tried to drown with alcohol. But he never quite succeeded. Alcohol as most of us know is a depressant. So it will only make matters worse to drink when depressed.  His black moods were characterized by sleeping for 20 hours at a time, drawing his dark drawings and isolating from those who cared about him.
When someone dies, it is tempting to forget the negatives in their life and remember only the good. The problem with that is that when you think that way, the agonizing question becomes, Why? Why did this wonderful person do this. The why lies in the dark side. The only way to find peace about Mike's suicide is to remember his dark side. He chose to step into the light and leave the dark behind.  He did it for himself. He did it for us. He wanted us to be free of the tragedy of his life just as much as he wanted to be free himself. In some strange way, leaving was an act of love.
I choose to honor Michael by returning to the life I was living before he died. This is absolutely what he wants for us. If we allow ourselves to get stuck in the why's of Mikes life, we will show him that we dont understand why he did what he did. Now that Mike is gone I will no longer be weighed down by my fears for his safety, my hurt and pain over things he said and did when he was down, my feeling of hopelessness in the face of his mental illness. When I allow all of that to float away like a feather on a breeze, peace can float down around me.