Making sense of it

I have probably covered this before. But in pieces here and there. Today there is clarity. Here is how I see it today.
Michael was a brilliant sensitive man. But he was not able to sustain a long term relationship with a woman. He sabotaged  relationships again and again. He had several long term relationships over the years. The women he chose matched where he was psychologically, emotionally and in his stage of alcoholism. Each relationship was more dysfunctional than the last. Finally there were no more. He just didnt have the psychic energy to pursue a relationship. He even sabotaged his relationships in the family.  He had us. He knew we loved him.  But we werent enough for him. How could we be? Nevertheless, he stayed here on earth much longer than than he would have because of us. There were numerous suicide attempts and plans which we foiled with our love over the years.  He even told us that he stayed because he didnt want to put us through the pain of loosing him.We knew he was suffering. But we were helpless to make him better.  He managed to continue working when he was very very sick. His friends at the Limo company talked about the friendship they had with him. They would often stay after a long shift and chat with each other late into the night, make music and just relaxing. They said they never saw him drink. They said that he was one of the best drivers at the company.They really liked him. They saw the charming handsome witty Mike that we hadnt seen in years. When it was finally time to go home, he knew there was no one waiting for him. He would stop and buy a bottle of vodka. We even found a receipt for a bottle of vodka dated April 3. My therapist told me the booze numbed the pain. He knew he was killing himself. He had distanced himself from us so that he could be free to do it. He told us not to come over and bang on his door. He wanted us to leave him alone. Frank said it took a lot of courage to do what he did. To look death in the face and invite it in. That took courage. The end was not easy. He suffered greatly. And we suffered to see our beloved son in pain.
But Michael knew he wasnt ending his life. He was merely stepping out of his body to be all that he truly was. He had complete faith that he was going to Jesus. Why would he want to stay here, when the glory and the joy and the unconditional love of God waited for him on the other side?
As our dear Heidi said, "Mike was a glorious spirit living in a tortured body, so leaving it would have been a priority for him, a goal that is difficult for us to understand because our bodies' chemistry doesn't have the same problems.
Michael, I understand all of this. But I need you to confirm it in my mind. My heart still hurts so bad.  My heart aches when I think of the pain and loneliness you felt every night when you were alone in your room.
Help me heal before you go.
Love Mom