Video of Mike Watching the dogs play

Sad things

Sad things happen. They do. But we dont have to live sad forever.
Mattie Stepanek

The time has come

It has only been two weeks since Mike died. He died two weeks ago today at 7:30 AM. (15 minutes ago).  It has been quite a journey. It started when Mike was in his late teens. And ended two weeks ago. But wait. There is no beginning and no end. It only seems that way to us who still walk the earth. Mike has not ended. Nor will any of us. We step in and out of a body, thats all. If I were to fling myself into outer space, I would realize that it has no beginning and no end. As the bible says, "I am the alpha and the omega' The beginning and the end. We are all in the circle of life.
Yesterday afternoon Frank and a neighbor went to visit another neighbor who was in a nursing home. We live in the country on a little street where we raised our families and never left. Our children are grown and most have grandchildren even great grandchildren.  Our friendships have lasted almost 40 years. When Frank returned he told me that our friend was near death. He was breathing as Mike did just before he died. His wife was there by herself. I knew I had to go to her.  And I knew I could handle it. Why? because Mike told me I could. It was time for me to step outside of myself and reach out to someone who needed me.
When I arrived at the nursing home,  my friend and her son were sitting by her husband's bed. She turned to me and said, 'He just passed a few minutes ago.' I went to her and hugged her for a long time. Then I just sat in the room with them as they absorbed their loss.
I stayed with them a couple hours as their family came to them to share the pain and sadness. When there were plenty of family with her, I left. Today I will make them a casserole and bring it to them, just as she did for us two weeks ago. It's time to pay it forward. Life is a beautiful thing.

Learning from Michael

I went to the Wild Animal Park today. It is a place where I feel and hear Mike most clearly. I have always known it is sacred ground.  Today I walked a quiet path where the visitors rarely go. I sat down in a shady spot by a little creek. I asked Mike to join me. Within a few minutes a hawk flew overhead and landed on a tree nearby. Then it flew away, right over my head. The hawk seems to be one of Mike's favorite ways of letting me know he is here. He told me something that I had not thought about before. He said that there is no time for him. He is in eternity. And that means he is not bound by linear time. Therefore, he can step in and out of my life whenever I need him. There wont be a moment when he leaves me and moves on. He can easily step into any part of my experience and give me the broader perspective that he now enjoys. This was very reassuring to me. I was trying to cling to him to make him stay. I was hugging my grief to me because I was afraid that if I started feeling better he would leave. I realize now that I can get through the grieving process without sending Mike away. He will still be here when Im feeling better. Im already feeling better. Im engaging in my life, talking to my siblings and friends. And just feeling balanced and ok.

Im not getting the messages you are adding to the blog

It's very frustrating that you are posting to this blog and Im not getting all the posts. Please email me instead. Im using a yahoo email address so I dont pick up spam on my main address. Those of you who know my main email address can use that.
Email me here
Thanks, Sallee

Making sense of it

I have probably covered this before. But in pieces here and there. Today there is clarity. Here is how I see it today.
Michael was a brilliant sensitive man. But he was not able to sustain a long term relationship with a woman. He sabotaged  relationships again and again. He had several long term relationships over the years. The women he chose matched where he was psychologically, emotionally and in his stage of alcoholism. Each relationship was more dysfunctional than the last. Finally there were no more. He just didnt have the psychic energy to pursue a relationship. He even sabotaged his relationships in the family.  He had us. He knew we loved him.  But we werent enough for him. How could we be? Nevertheless, he stayed here on earth much longer than than he would have because of us. There were numerous suicide attempts and plans which we foiled with our love over the years.  He even told us that he stayed because he didnt want to put us through the pain of loosing him.We knew he was suffering. But we were helpless to make him better.  He managed to continue working when he was very very sick. His friends at the Limo company talked about the friendship they had with him. They would often stay after a long shift and chat with each other late into the night, make music and just relaxing. They said they never saw him drink. They said that he was one of the best drivers at the company.They really liked him. They saw the charming handsome witty Mike that we hadnt seen in years. When it was finally time to go home, he knew there was no one waiting for him. He would stop and buy a bottle of vodka. We even found a receipt for a bottle of vodka dated April 3. My therapist told me the booze numbed the pain. He knew he was killing himself. He had distanced himself from us so that he could be free to do it. He told us not to come over and bang on his door. He wanted us to leave him alone. Frank said it took a lot of courage to do what he did. To look death in the face and invite it in. That took courage. The end was not easy. He suffered greatly. And we suffered to see our beloved son in pain.
But Michael knew he wasnt ending his life. He was merely stepping out of his body to be all that he truly was. He had complete faith that he was going to Jesus. Why would he want to stay here, when the glory and the joy and the unconditional love of God waited for him on the other side?
As our dear Heidi said, "Mike was a glorious spirit living in a tortured body, so leaving it would have been a priority for him, a goal that is difficult for us to understand because our bodies' chemistry doesn't have the same problems.
Michael, I understand all of this. But I need you to confirm it in my mind. My heart still hurts so bad.  My heart aches when I think of the pain and loneliness you felt every night when you were alone in your room.
Help me heal before you go.
Love Mom

Katie

I have not said much about Katie, Mike's sister in this blog. It isnt that Im not thinking about her. Im sure this is as difficult for her as it is for us. But I feel that it is up to her to tell her part of the story. It is unlikely that she would do this in so public a forum. So I am respecting her privacy and leaving her out of the blog.

Condolences

Mike and his cousin Sean at Meghan's wedding

We are hearing from Frank's side of the family. His sister Patty has been telling them of Mike's death. Frank's brother Tom and his wife Sandy just called. They dont know what to say. There really isnt anything to say. So we told them more details and I will send them the link to the blog. It pretty much says it all. It is a comfort to receive cards and calls and emails. Sometimes the calls are difficult. But in the long run it is probably good to get them. Enough time has passed that we might be able to talk without breaking down. But you never know. Things change from one minute to the next.
On Saturday it will have been two weeks since Mike died. I still can not wrap my mind around that fact. The only time I believe it to be true is when I remember weeping over his body. I put my hand under his shoulder and it was still warm. It's still such a shock.
Mark Bauman's mother, Joyce sent a sweet card with these words of comfort, 'Death leaves a heartache that no one can heal. Love leaves a memory that no one can steal'
I have to remember the love we shared with Mike. No matter how bad things were, we always took the time to say, 'I love you' to each other.  Mike knew that we loved him, no matter how far away he was.

Momentos of Mike

As I go through Mikes things I find little things that give me both comfort and pain. Here are a few, his hat, the glasses he wore when driving limo's, the tie he wore when he was dressed for work. And the saddest thing of all is this one month token from AA. One month of sobriety.  It speaks volumes about the pain we feel.

Frank's note

This morning Frank left me a post-it note:
How can I miss a guy who was so troubled? But I do!
I love you,
Frank

Memories

The memories flood back and threaten to overwhelm me. I keep thinking about when he died. Sue took me down to the Casa. I ran to his room and threw myself on him. I cried and cried and cried. I said the things that both Frank and I wanted to say to him. Michael, Michael I loved you so!
A few days before he died he was restless and in pain. We begged the nurses to give him more medication. Finally we got a hold of the hospice nurse and they told the floor nurse what to give him. After an hour he finally slept peacefully. From then on they made sure he had enough medicine on board. He slipped into a semi coma and never really came back to us. I brought a soft light velvety blanket from home. The hospital blankets werent long enough for his long legs. After I put it on him I felt like he was at peace and covered with my love. He looked so peaceful that I decided to take a picture of him. Im glad I did. My mind goes back to the hour of his death again and again. Im comforted to know he was covered with the blanket I brought him. I asked the nurses to be sure he was covered with the blanket when they took him away.
Today I bought a replacement blanket, The same kind I put on Mike but a different color. It brings a flood of memories.
I need those memories. I need to feel all of it. I havent felt it enough yet. I dont want to let him go yet. It would be worse not to feel this pain and sadness.  The only thing that helps is to write it here and to know that all of you who love me are reading it. I miss talking to you. But it's still hard for me. I cry. Please email me.

Here is the last picture I have of Mike 2 Days before he died

Mike Memorial Video

what is healthy grieving?

People say that I shouldnt obsess. That I should do the things I did before Mike died. Im doing that. Today I went to the gym. I planted some of the flowers that Sue bought for the memorial. I washed some clothes. But nothing is working. The pain of loosing Mike is still there. It waits for me. It sneaks up on me, ready to pounce when Im not expecting it. The doc says to limit the time I spend thinking about Mike and going over the details of his death. But how can I when so many things remind me of him. The last car he drove was my Toyota Camry. We sold it to him when we bought a new one for me. The problem is that there are a gazillion  99 Beige Toyota Camry's out there. I cant drive anywhere without seeing one. So there is a trigger ever two minutes. Pretty much everything is a trigger.
It's a knife slowly turning in my gut. It's pretty hard to ignore. I just want to cry and cry and cry. But wait! That isnt healthy!

A small comfort

There is a story on the local news site about a woman who was arrested for a DUI. Usually when I see a story like that I worry that Mike might get a DUI or worse. Check that off as one less thing to worry about. Why dont I feel good about it??

My heart hurts

I thought I was going to be ok. But today I cant stop thinking about him,  no matter how I try to distract myself.

How can this be?

How can a man who is so big and strong and handsome be dead?????

What is bipolar mixed state

I saw my therapist Dr Layton today. He is a bipolar disorder specialist. He knows Mike. He met him a few years ago. And a lot of what I talk about is Mike. He explained to me today that Mike had what he called mixed. By that he means, not only was he depressed, but he was manic. This causes incredible pain and discomfort. I showed him some of Mike's art. I said, he certainly seemed to be able to focus for a long time in order to make these complex pieces. He said he probably worked really fast in a manic state. He really liked some of the pictures. Im going to have one or two of them mounted for him.  When Im up for it, Im going to take them to an art gallery to see if they are as good as I think they are.  Dr Layton explained to me that when he was out working Mike was on his game, functioning very efficiently and being very personable. But when he got home to his empty room the walls closed in on him. He drank to numb himself.
Frank and I are reminding ourselves that we took Michael in on many occasions. He told us very clearly last January that he doesnt want to come home. And he doesnt want us coming to check on him.  He was already on a path. We suspected as much. He was standing in front of the train. We couldnt stop the train, and we couldnt pull him off of the tracks as we had done so many times before. Thats what we go over and over and over. That's what breaks our hearts.

Email from Mike

Here is an email from Mike dated August 12 2010

 Everything is in order. I go back and forth to work and come home to nothing. It is my own damn fault. I know drivers that work extra hours to just not come home and be alone. I don't even care about the money other than what it takes to survive. I need to go to the bank because I have 4 checks to cash. People throw money at me because I am engaging and truly do appreciate their company. But they have no idea why. I've been depressed lately. So life seems drab. I don't want you to think this is in anyway a complaint against the family. I made my own bed now I lay in it for 20 hours sometimes (but what fantastic dark dreams I had (I feel a drawing coming on) and remember it explicitly might combine it with my butchers experience as a child and add it to Leonard Cohen's "The Butcher"). With the exception of Skip and Steve (shirleys steve) nobody calls me back. It's kind of like the doctor. Kate told me in the hospital that I need to keep more in touch with the extended family and so I did try. Some were complete disasters and some were indifferent except for Skip. 

Mike

I do not see this email as an indictment on the family. Mike burned his bridges, then complained that no one crossed them. He set himself up for this, and he knew it. But it does help to see where he was psychologically.

Michael's art

If you wish to email me, please use this link:Email Sallee

I bought a nice portfolio today to keep Mike's art in. It was just rolled up. There are hundreds of very complex pieces. I took some pictures of them. I think they are good. Im not sure where to go with these.
Yes they are dark. It shows how disturbed Mike was.  At the same time he was brilliant and could focus on a project for a very long time. Each of these drawings had to take hours. I have in my possession a life time of Mike's work.

Heidi's email

I got this email from Heidi yesterday Heidi was Mike's high school sweetheart. They were together for a couple of years after high school as well. I felt it worth adding in it's entirety.
If you wish to email me click on this link: Email Sallee Im using this to protect my main email address from spam

Hi Sallee,

 

I've been reading your daily blog and can't tell you how much I appreciate your open and honest sharing of what is happening in yours and Mr. O'Brien's lives. I took the time to read the older posts too, which caught me up to where you both are now.

 

I hope you know that sharing your thoughts and grief is a selfless act of healing for us all. Today's post ("Sorting it out") was extremely significant. I didn't realize how serious Mike's alcoholism and emotional state was, and I am upset that I didn't keep better contact with you and him throughout the years. My thinking was that Mike had a great family and upbringing, so life was good for him. He was handsome, charming, and intelligent so his successes would be easy. I never imagined this success would be negative.

 

Sallee, I remember you as the embodiment of a mother diety, so trying to "sort out" why your son was an alcoholic instead of the President of the United States is impossible for me. I do believe that life's process is to equalize, constantly shifting and moving so that the balance continues into a seamless harmony - a harmony that may be perceived as chaotic at times. Living as "matter" (our bodies) is only a portion of the the harmonious whole; therefore, believing that those we love are entirely gone after they leave their bodies is not natural and does not support the efficiency of nature. The spirit of life is the most powerful and valuable form of energy in the universe. So when the phase of living in the human body is gone, it is then returned to the greatness that is. Mike was a glorious spirit living in a tortured body, so leaving it would have been a priority for him, a goal that is difficult for us to understand because our bodies' chemistry doesn't have the same problems.

 

From your posts, Mike is with you, and from the look of it, he is finally in the position to support and love you, Frank and Katie now. Many native cultures, including the Hawaiians, believe that the ties of family cannot be broken, even in death. I believe this too. As a spirit, Mike is now able to cherish and love you, Mr. O'Brien and Katie (as well as the rest of his family), fulfilling his obligation as the wonderful son he wasn't able to be in his body. There are more connections waiting for you from Mike. I knew him before all of the hardships and know that all of his conact with you will be irresistible, wondrous and a restoration for all that was.

 

Love, Heidi