Not such a good day

This day didnt go so well. I did my best to keep going. Went to the gym and had a session with my trainer. Picked up a few groceries. 
Whenever I have to talk to someone who knows about Michael I feel like crying. I know they are sympathetic and that just brings on the tears. 
There are friends that dont yet know that Mike died. I want to tell them. But the thought of their shock and dismay is just too hard to bear. I sent my sister Sue an email and asked her to tell my VietNamese friends.
I have emailed our German and French friends. Of course they are shocked. 
Ive  been fighting tears all day.  Mike is always on my mind. So many reminders of him tumble together in my mind. Again and again I feel the excruciating pain of holding his dead body, running my fingers through his hair, crying out to him, ' I loved you Mike!! I love you! Why oh why couldnt I help you? Why wasnt a mother's love enough to save my boy?'
I see him at all different ages. the curley headed baby, the gangly teenager,  the handsome limo driver, the dying man.. all of these are my son. They float around in my mind.  I cant grab on to any of them. I cant hold them. They are all my son, and all of them are gone. All my memories of Mike will be colored by the fact that he chose to leave this earth.  I brought him in. But he didnt want to stay!