Sorting it out

Both  Frank and I had trouble sleeping last night. The mind chews on things like a dog on a bone.  We had a long talk this morning.  Even though intellectually we know that we did everything we could for Mike. Emotionally we second guess ourselves. My struggle is with the fact that we 'broke up' with Mike in January. We told him we didnt want to be involved in his problems. We wanted to live our own lives, not his. This came about because he had been so unkind and inexplicably abusive (verbally) to me. It made me so unhappy that I 'ran away' to Sacramento. I wanted to move up there and just live in peace surrounded by my family. When I came back Frank and I went to a couples counselor. She agreed that the things that Mike had said and done in January, and before were abusive. I wanted to make a clean break with Mike. Frank didnt want to. But he went along with it because he knew that my mental health was fragile.  So we called him and told him we didnt want to be involved in his problems any more. His response as 'At last you get it! I dont WANT you involved with my stuff.'

I realize now that he created this whole scenario so that he could justify drinking himself to death.  He knew that if we didnt hear from him or he didnt respond to our phone calls or emails that we would go to his place and bang on the door until he answered. We have done that before, usually with good reason. Once when we did that he even agreed to be checked in to a mental hospital because he was very close to committing suicide.

I think it is a normal part of this process to find a way to blame yourself when someone commits suicide.  Frank and I are dealing with this in our own way. Yet we are able to help each other draw different conclusions than the ones that are stuck inside our heads.

On January 26, Mike sent an email to my friend Cris, who was also his friend. He said,  You could never understand what purpose I have with my family.  I am causing hurt  with clarity that you could never understand.  It is too bad mom has to suffer but I cannot achieve my goal otherwise. 

He had set his feet on a path. He got us play into his hand by alienating me. He was a master of manipulation.  As part of the healing process, Frank and I both need to make Mike responsible for his decisions, not us.