Thoughts on awakening

Sometimes when you wake up you find you have been thinking about things in your sleep and there is clarity.
Mike was much better yesterday. I spent the first half of the day there and Frank spent the second half. Mike was awake for a good part of the day. He engaged in conversation that was appropriate. He even ate a little. He was just generally more perky.
So here's the conundrum: What if he doesnt die or he doesnt die right away? Will we be back in that place we have been for so very many times? That place where he is not quite functional but alive and needing assistance to put his life in order. I cant begin to count how many times we have taken him in while he got his act together. Two years ago he called us from the hospital because he was told he would die of liver disease. We dropped what we were doing(We were in Northern California getting ready for the Campbell Family Gathering) and rushed to his side. During that period he was in the hospital for weeks, and we had him in our home for about 6 weeks. Frank gave him his room and Frank slept in the van.
They are talking about moving him out of the Casa and into a board and care home. They(hospice social worker, doctor and nurse) feel he cant be on his own because he would not be able to care for himself.
They would love it if we agreed to take him in. We have told them clearly that we can not take him in. There are costs for his care that Kaiser wont cover. We have also told them that we wont pay for it. Frank sometimes wavers. But Im clear that I cant do this again. I would loose the delicate balance that I have worked so hard to achieve.
Even so, Im not off the hook. The social workers have asked me to provide all sorts of financial records, including drivers license, birth certificates, bank statements, check stubs etc. We need all this so he can apply for disability, SSI and Medi-Cal Yesterday I went through his records and found most of what they want. Now I have to scan it all into my computer and email it to somebody or other. Today I meet with the hospice social worker to discuss what to do next.
People tell me they are praying for healing for Mike. But they dont understand that even if his body heals that doesnt mean his mind has healed. He would probably go back to drinking. Then the whole process would repeat itself. What good does that do? It only drags us through more misery. Do you see what I mean?
Ok I sorted through my thoughts. Thanks for reading all of this.