Finishing up

Im moving back to my blog called Traveling to Myself. I started it in January 2011. I took almost two months and blogged in this blog. I know Im not finished grieving Mike. I never will be. I have times when I think about him all day remembering the awful, tender sadness as we watched him pass. Sometimes simple things trigger the tears. But I soldier on. Its time to refocus. So Im leaving this blog and taking up Traveling to Myself

Coming full circle

The most astonishing thing has happened. My daughter Katie called us two days ago and uttered two words that will change my life forever. "Im pregnant!"

I never thought I would hear those words from my 41 year old daughter. She has always been adamant that she wasnt going to have children. I have been careful not to pressure her about this. I firmly believe that the decision about whether to have children can and should only be decided by the people who would have them.

Of course I was sad. It has been difficult to see the little ones coming knowing that there were no little ones for me. But I took comfort in the delightful children who are my sister's and brother's grandchildren. 

When I heard those words, I felt my chest open with a woosh and my universe changed for ever. I just started sobbing and saying 'Katie, Katie Katie' over and over. At the same time my mind could not wrap itself around this information.

Katie wants me to be sure I understand that she doesnt want her child linked in any way with Mike. Even though she was pregnant when she came down two months ago when Mike was dying. I completely understand. Katie doesn't want her life on the internet, so I won't be blogging about this.
I think Im finished with this blog. Life goes on. Michael is glad. So am I.

A Family Visit

These last 4 days have been a whirlwind of fun with Skip and his family. Skip is my brother. He and his wife Nancy have three children, Austen, 17, Michelle, 16 and Sierra 9. The took a trip from their home in Sacramento to visit some prospective colleges for Michelle and to come to visit us. They love San Diego with it's beaches and zoo's. And we love having them. They pitched a big tent in the back yard and settled in for a few days. The first order of business was to go through Mike's things together. They helped us sort through everything and decide what to do with them, we made three groups, one for us to keep, one for Skip and his family to take, and one to go to the good will. Mike had his things pretty well organized. He told me he had gotten rid of a lot of things. Obviously he was planning his death. And want to make it as easy on us as possible.
We had decided to give Mike's car to Michelle. She needs it for all her activities at school. Skip and I went to the DMV to put the paperwork in order. 
That evening we went up the hill at sunset to the place where we had Mike's memorial. As we arrived at the site a huge hawk took off from the exact place where we had the memorial. Obviously Mike was there with us. We all spent some quiet time thinking about our own memories of Mike.

New life

We are having a baby boom in the Campbell family. One baby born in June. One due at the end of July. One in November.   I have a choice. Shall I bemoan the fact that I have no grandchildren? Shall I be envious of my sisters and brothers? What possible good could that do? It would only rob me of the joy of these little ones and of sharing in my siblings happiness.  I choose to enjoy and participate in all of it. 
We always have a choice.  

Death vs life

In order to be ok with Mike's death, I need to be ok with death. The word 'death' is pretty grim. There is no way to pretty it up. I think it was invented by people who wanted other people to fear death. Because if they feared death, the other people (are you with me here?) would be able to exert some pressure on the people who feared death.
Mike didnt fear death. He welcomed it. No, he longed for it. He wanted to go for many years if truth be told. He and I had an agreement that even though we wanted to go, we wouldnt actually go because we didnt want to hurt each other that badly. Well, he tried to keep his word. But it all was just too much for him I guess.
Now I see Mike on the other side, the other side of death. What is the opposite of death? Life.  Dark, light. Sad, Happy, Body, spirit. All contrasting.
Mike is standing in the arbor with the yellow flowers, trying to help me understand the fundamental reason why there is no need to fear death. Because there is no death!
The joke is on us! Here we go to all this trouble to keep death at bay. We study how to stop it, how to keep the body alive even though it desperately wants to die.   When the reality is that there is no death! 
That's why Mike has that twinkle in his eye, when he tells Katie, that where he is now is 'better than the alternative' And what would Mike's 'alternative' be? To be alive in a body that is full of pain and tortured by the demons in his mind.
I will have to sort out the 'demons in the mind' thing too. But not today.
Not to worry anyone. I am so happy to be right here in this body on the planet, reaching forward in this life, seeking all that feels good and right to me. Im hanging around for the next adventure. I dont have demons in my head. 
But I do have Mike. And he is able to see far more than I can. And he is able to channel valuable information to me. This wonderful adventure called life has taken on a whole new dimension I can hardly wait to see where I go next.

Looking for a broader perspective

I have not felt the need to write in this blog as much lately. I feel myself taking a small step back and taking stock of how far Ive come and what I have learned, and how I have grown.
We went to dog beach today. This little outing gives us so much happiness as we share the excitement of the dogs. They are absolutely ecstatic from the moment they realize we are going to the moment they plunge joyously into the ocean. One would be hard put not to feel the joy they feel. And so we go.
The drive down has become a time for Frank and I to reflect together. And of course the subject of reflection lately is Michael.  Both Frank and I have our own perspective on the experience. 
Mike's life was one of extreme contrast. He was intelligent and contemplative, seeking out answers to existential questions. When he was feeling well he exuded confidence.  He was a big handsome man. When he was on his game, women took notice. He could be very friendly and outgoing. His friends liked him very much. They enjoyed his company, his wit, his friendliness and his sincere interest in them and their lives.
The downside to Mike was the deep depressions that he tried to drown with alcohol. But he never quite succeeded. Alcohol as most of us know is a depressant. So it will only make matters worse to drink when depressed.  His black moods were characterized by sleeping for 20 hours at a time, drawing his dark drawings and isolating from those who cared about him.
When someone dies, it is tempting to forget the negatives in their life and remember only the good. The problem with that is that when you think that way, the agonizing question becomes, Why? Why did this wonderful person do this. The why lies in the dark side. The only way to find peace about Mike's suicide is to remember his dark side. He chose to step into the light and leave the dark behind.  He did it for himself. He did it for us. He wanted us to be free of the tragedy of his life just as much as he wanted to be free himself. In some strange way, leaving was an act of love.
I choose to honor Michael by returning to the life I was living before he died. This is absolutely what he wants for us. If we allow ourselves to get stuck in the why's of Mikes life, we will show him that we dont understand why he did what he did. Now that Mike is gone I will no longer be weighed down by my fears for his safety, my hurt and pain over things he said and did when he was down, my feeling of hopelessness in the face of his mental illness. When I allow all of that to float away like a feather on a breeze, peace can float down around me.

Healing

Wow, I went a whole day without writing in my blog! Im looking outward, not inward.  Frank and I went to a grief support group on Monday. We both cried as we told our story. We were drained the rest of the day. I talked to my therapist about grief support groups and survivors of suicide support groups. He said a lot of people in the groups are stuck in the grieving process. Certainly not all. Im sure a lot of people go to the support groups long enough to get what they need from them and then move on.  This is what we did when Mike was in his 20's and was in a drug and alcohol treatment program. As family members we were encouraged to go to support group meetings as well. They were sort of like Alanon meetings. But the course ended after 20 weeks. We went to every one. Slowly we began to see how we fit into the pattern of codependency and dysfunction with the substance abuser. We understood what we were doing and why we felt so bad about it. Once we got it we stopped going. I cant say we completely broke free of this self defeating pattern with Mike. But we did recognize when we were doing things for Mike that he needed to do for himself. Usually we were able to change what we were doing. But not always.  The alanon meetings were a downer for me. I felt like I was in the room with people who were repeating the same behaviors then beating themselves up about it at the meetings.
My plan is to work through all this grief as quickly as I can while resuming my life as much as possible. If I have a day when Im overwhelmed, I just allow myself to feel that way. The next day is usually much better because I allowed the feelings to play out the day before.
I feel relieved that Im not going to be going to suicide survivors support groups, or spend time on suicide support websites. I read the material. I got what I needed from it. Now I get to go to dog beach, go to the zoo, go to the gym and work with my therapy dog program.
I absolutely know, that Mike did this to free us from the tragedy that was his life. The bigger tragedy would be if we were to allow ourselves to get stuck in a grieving cycle without end.

Optimism

Most people are inherently optimistic.  Even when life gets them down, the seek a positive spin on things. Sure there are people with mental illness that arent able to do that. But for the most part we all want to feel good about ourselves and our lives and we search for a way to do that.
This morning Im feeling quite optimistic about my life. I feel that Im heading in the right direction in the grief process. I have been told that grief comes in waves. Right now, I feel good. So I will go with that feeling as long as I possibly can.  Im picking up the pieces of my life. Each time I do something ordinary that was a part of my life before Mike died, I feel like Im getting back to normal.
On Saturday Toby and I went to the tricks class at Paws'itive teams. Toby did great. He is a fast learner and he loves to 'work'. It was great to see everyone. It felt so good to be doing the things I love to do with my friends at Paws'itive teams.

Reaching for a thought that feels better

I have a digital picture frame.  The other day I filled it with over 300 pictures from my computer. Im an avid photographer. I take pictures of pretty much everything I see. I have over 12,000 pictures on my computer.  I have the frame in my bedroom and keep it going all day. As I sat and watched it last night, each picture brought back a memory. I get so much pleasure out of the pictures that stand out, and I remember exactly where I was, and who I was with when I took the picture. There are pictures of Mike, but they are only a small percentage of the total.  It occurred to me that Mike isnt the only thing in my life. It has felt that he is the only one that existed these last few weeks. But the reality is that he wasnt a large part of our lives. He lived his life with others. The friends that he had got to be with the Mike who was fun, clever talented and intelligent. The Mike we got was sick, or hurt(in a car accident). Once he recovered he returned to his place in Carlsbad, and we went back to our lives.  It didnt feel good to us to have him with us when he was sick. In fact it felt yucky. It was always a relief when he returned to his place.
As I watched the pictures on the frame, there was so so much to remember, so many wonderful times with friends, family, at various beautiful places, so many times when I got the perfect shot and was so very pleased about it.
Im reaching for a thought that feels better. There are over 300 'thoughts'. Each time the frame changes there is another beautiful memory. 

Survivors of Suicide

Ive been cruising around the internet looking at sites for people who have lost a loved one by suicide.  Even though Mike died from alcohol consumption, he knew what he was doing. He chose alcohol to do it. Im learning that Im not alone. Many many people share this experience.
Here is an excerpt from a pamphlet called, 'Coping with suicide loss'

Because suicide is often poorly understood, some survivors feel unfairly victimized by stigma. They may feel the suicide is somehow shameful, or that they or their family are somehow to blame them for this tragedy.

But you should know that 90 percent of all people who die by suicide have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death (most often depression or bipolar disorder). Just as people can die of heart disease or cancer, people can die as a consequence of mental illness. Try to bear in mind that suicide is almost always complicated, resulting from a combination of painful suffering, desperate hopelessness and underlying psychiatric illness. 

This is absolutely true of Michael.His bipolar disorder was much worse than mine. He suffered terribly from demons that haunted him in the night. He was ok when he was working or with other people. But when he went home the walls closed in on him. He drank to numb that, even though he knew he was killing himself