Healing

Wow, I went a whole day without writing in my blog! Im looking outward, not inward.  Frank and I went to a grief support group on Monday. We both cried as we told our story. We were drained the rest of the day. I talked to my therapist about grief support groups and survivors of suicide support groups. He said a lot of people in the groups are stuck in the grieving process. Certainly not all. Im sure a lot of people go to the support groups long enough to get what they need from them and then move on.  This is what we did when Mike was in his 20's and was in a drug and alcohol treatment program. As family members we were encouraged to go to support group meetings as well. They were sort of like Alanon meetings. But the course ended after 20 weeks. We went to every one. Slowly we began to see how we fit into the pattern of codependency and dysfunction with the substance abuser. We understood what we were doing and why we felt so bad about it. Once we got it we stopped going. I cant say we completely broke free of this self defeating pattern with Mike. But we did recognize when we were doing things for Mike that he needed to do for himself. Usually we were able to change what we were doing. But not always.  The alanon meetings were a downer for me. I felt like I was in the room with people who were repeating the same behaviors then beating themselves up about it at the meetings.
My plan is to work through all this grief as quickly as I can while resuming my life as much as possible. If I have a day when Im overwhelmed, I just allow myself to feel that way. The next day is usually much better because I allowed the feelings to play out the day before.
I feel relieved that Im not going to be going to suicide survivors support groups, or spend time on suicide support websites. I read the material. I got what I needed from it. Now I get to go to dog beach, go to the zoo, go to the gym and work with my therapy dog program.
I absolutely know, that Mike did this to free us from the tragedy that was his life. The bigger tragedy would be if we were to allow ourselves to get stuck in a grieving cycle without end.

Optimism

Most people are inherently optimistic.  Even when life gets them down, the seek a positive spin on things. Sure there are people with mental illness that arent able to do that. But for the most part we all want to feel good about ourselves and our lives and we search for a way to do that.
This morning Im feeling quite optimistic about my life. I feel that Im heading in the right direction in the grief process. I have been told that grief comes in waves. Right now, I feel good. So I will go with that feeling as long as I possibly can.  Im picking up the pieces of my life. Each time I do something ordinary that was a part of my life before Mike died, I feel like Im getting back to normal.
On Saturday Toby and I went to the tricks class at Paws'itive teams. Toby did great. He is a fast learner and he loves to 'work'. It was great to see everyone. It felt so good to be doing the things I love to do with my friends at Paws'itive teams.

Reaching for a thought that feels better

I have a digital picture frame.  The other day I filled it with over 300 pictures from my computer. Im an avid photographer. I take pictures of pretty much everything I see. I have over 12,000 pictures on my computer.  I have the frame in my bedroom and keep it going all day. As I sat and watched it last night, each picture brought back a memory. I get so much pleasure out of the pictures that stand out, and I remember exactly where I was, and who I was with when I took the picture. There are pictures of Mike, but they are only a small percentage of the total.  It occurred to me that Mike isnt the only thing in my life. It has felt that he is the only one that existed these last few weeks. But the reality is that he wasnt a large part of our lives. He lived his life with others. The friends that he had got to be with the Mike who was fun, clever talented and intelligent. The Mike we got was sick, or hurt(in a car accident). Once he recovered he returned to his place in Carlsbad, and we went back to our lives.  It didnt feel good to us to have him with us when he was sick. In fact it felt yucky. It was always a relief when he returned to his place.
As I watched the pictures on the frame, there was so so much to remember, so many wonderful times with friends, family, at various beautiful places, so many times when I got the perfect shot and was so very pleased about it.
Im reaching for a thought that feels better. There are over 300 'thoughts'. Each time the frame changes there is another beautiful memory. 

Survivors of Suicide

Ive been cruising around the internet looking at sites for people who have lost a loved one by suicide.  Even though Mike died from alcohol consumption, he knew what he was doing. He chose alcohol to do it. Im learning that Im not alone. Many many people share this experience.
Here is an excerpt from a pamphlet called, 'Coping with suicide loss'

Because suicide is often poorly understood, some survivors feel unfairly victimized by stigma. They may feel the suicide is somehow shameful, or that they or their family are somehow to blame them for this tragedy.

But you should know that 90 percent of all people who die by suicide have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death (most often depression or bipolar disorder). Just as people can die of heart disease or cancer, people can die as a consequence of mental illness. Try to bear in mind that suicide is almost always complicated, resulting from a combination of painful suffering, desperate hopelessness and underlying psychiatric illness. 

This is absolutely true of Michael.His bipolar disorder was much worse than mine. He suffered terribly from demons that haunted him in the night. He was ok when he was working or with other people. But when he went home the walls closed in on him. He drank to numb that, even though he knew he was killing himself

Ray of light

The nice thing about this blog is that my friends and family can check in and see how Im doing. I awoke with a headache this morning. But the good thing is that I did sleep well once I got to sleep.
My friend and neighbor Martha sent me an email after reading last night's post:
"Dearest friend.  I just read the latest addition to your blog.  I just don't know the words to tell you how much my heart aches for you when I know how sad you are.  Surely this pain will get better someday.  Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.'
My response was:
'Thank you for your kind words, Martha. Im sure it is difficult for you too see me hurting. We have so much in common.  What a dark time it is for us. We must try to find a ray of light in each day. When we see it we need to lock on to it and allow it to lighten our load. When we are open to it, it will come

I talked to Rosalee yesterday. She is very concerned about you and Dave. She told me to be sure and let you know that she is available for anything you need. Now that I know how much this hurts, I wish I had been there for Rosalee more. 

Today is another day. Lets begin anew.

Love, Sallee'

 

Not such a good day

This day didnt go so well. I did my best to keep going. Went to the gym and had a session with my trainer. Picked up a few groceries. 
Whenever I have to talk to someone who knows about Michael I feel like crying. I know they are sympathetic and that just brings on the tears. 
There are friends that dont yet know that Mike died. I want to tell them. But the thought of their shock and dismay is just too hard to bear. I sent my sister Sue an email and asked her to tell my VietNamese friends.
I have emailed our German and French friends. Of course they are shocked. 
Ive  been fighting tears all day.  Mike is always on my mind. So many reminders of him tumble together in my mind. Again and again I feel the excruciating pain of holding his dead body, running my fingers through his hair, crying out to him, ' I loved you Mike!! I love you! Why oh why couldnt I help you? Why wasnt a mother's love enough to save my boy?'
I see him at all different ages. the curley headed baby, the gangly teenager,  the handsome limo driver, the dying man.. all of these are my son. They float around in my mind.  I cant grab on to any of them. I cant hold them. They are all my son, and all of them are gone. All my memories of Mike will be colored by the fact that he chose to leave this earth.  I brought him in. But he didnt want to stay!

Addendum to previous entry

I got an email from my friend this evening thanking me for helping them today. She told me that Mike was there with us cheering me on and saying, 'Good job Mom. Now you are doing what you do best.' How else can we explain me being sent to the exact same clinic where I took Mike so many times? I was so focused on my friends I didnt have time to worry about flashbacks from my previous experiences with Mike there.

Irony

Today a good friend called me to ask me if I would take her and her husband to the doctor. He received a diagnosis of liver cancer two days ago, and was eager to get in to see a specialist. When he called for an appointment this morning they asked him if he could be there in 45 minutes. Both of their cars were out of commission and they desperately needed to get to this appointment. Fortunately I was able to take them there. Now here is the irony. The doctor appointment was at Kaiser in the exact same office where Mike had gone for his treatment for liver disease!
I offered to go in with them to be a third set of ears with a medical background. (I am an RN). We were in there for an hour and a half while the doctor outlined the treatment options.  I was able to ask questions that my friend's might not have thought to ask and to follow what the doctor was saying so that I could repeat it back to them later.
When Mike was sick with liver failure 2 years ago, I took him to this office many times, and sat in the examining room while the doctors went over his records and made recommendations for treatment. Fortunately I didnt feel at all overwhelmed by being in this situation again. I was just focused on my friends and how I could help them through this.
I believe there are no accidents in life. Everything fits together, even when you cant see the larger picture. This is an example of that.
The best therapy in the world for me is to have the opportunity to help someone through a crises.

Some insight

 My plan is to go through this experience mindfully and learn what I need to learn as I go along. Hopefully what I am learning will help others. So often when I share this blog with someone new, they tell me about a loved on who has been on a similar journey to Mike's. My commitment to Mike and to myself is not to sweep this under the rug and hide the truths of the situation.  We cant learn from that which we deny to be true. We cant help others when we hide the truth.  We cant even help ourselves if we dont look at the situation truthfully.

Video of Mike playing piano with cousin Sean OBrien watching

How to email me

If you wish to comment on this blog please email me as the comments dont seem to be working.
To email me, click here

What I have

 Frank and I and our daughter Katie and Son in law Bruce

 Me with my wonderful brother Scott

 Me with my dear husband of 46 years 

My sister Sue and my 90 year old Mom

What I have and what I dont have

I have my family.. over 30 people.. they love me, I love them. They want me to be ok. I want them to not worry about me. What I dont have.. Mike..
Let me think this over.

Highs and Lows

I guess this is part of the process of coming to terms with Mike's death. One day I feel like Im ok with it all. Ive done my grieving. I can move on. The next day, not so much.
This morning I went to the DMV to find out how to get title to Mike's car and pass it on to Skip. They gave me a bunch of paperwork. So Im trying to figure out how to do it. Some of it is for Skip to do.
Then I called our insurance. I wanted to be sure we are insured in the interim. This is when things started to go down again. Our insurance company is wonderful. (USAA). They have been our insurance company for 50 years. They have always taken care of us. So when I told them Mike had died and I wanted to know how to insure his car until we pass it on to Skip, they were so sympathetic that I started crying again. I guess sympathy is a trigger. But yet, I need support from my loved ones. There are no easy answers to any of this. Frank is hurting, Im hurting and nothing can really fix this.
 I went to my place of healing, the Wild Animal Park today. While I was walking I thought of one more way to hurt. Did Mike's life mean anything? Did he suffer alone for no good reason? He would have killed himself years ago if it wasnt for us. Was there any good reason for him to stay on the planet so long when he was so unhappy?
He made some very bad decisions in his life. But he hurt himself more than anyone else.  I keep thinking of him alone in his room, night after night. I feel that endlessness that he felt. I wish I wasnt so good at feeling other people's feelings.

Peace is coming

I feel a shift in my way of thinking and feeling about Mike. Im able in my mind's eye to see him in his nonphysical form, He still looks like Mike. But he is surrounded by and filled with light. He still has that twinkle in his eye. The dark side is gone, the pain, the fear the deception is gone.  He is at peace and he is giving me that same peace. I have but to open and receive. I feel myself opening, I feel myself allowing. I feel myself letting go and allowing myself to be pulled into the current of well being. Mike is showing me how. It is easy. It is a relief to let go of all the sad painful hurt that I have held to myself since Mike transitioned to his nonphysical self. This is who he wanted to be. This is why he left. And thats ok with me now. And that feels good.

Katie had another dream about Mike

Katie's Dream
They were in our living room and it was full of light. She and Mike were drawing in the corner. The drawings were beautiful and intricate. Someone was interested in the drawings, someone on the internet. (She asked if I was putting his drawings on the net. I said, yes, Im putting them on my blog) She said it was someone in Germany. I had checked my stats yesterday and there is someone in Germany that has been following the blog. Also, Porter, her Jack Russell Terrier dog was there next to Mike. Porter passed away about a year ago. So he is with Mike now.

Two weeks and 12 hours

Can this be over now? Can we go back to Mike being alive?

Video of Mike Watching the dogs play

Sad things

Sad things happen. They do. But we dont have to live sad forever.
Mattie Stepanek

The time has come

It has only been two weeks since Mike died. He died two weeks ago today at 7:30 AM. (15 minutes ago).  It has been quite a journey. It started when Mike was in his late teens. And ended two weeks ago. But wait. There is no beginning and no end. It only seems that way to us who still walk the earth. Mike has not ended. Nor will any of us. We step in and out of a body, thats all. If I were to fling myself into outer space, I would realize that it has no beginning and no end. As the bible says, "I am the alpha and the omega' The beginning and the end. We are all in the circle of life.
Yesterday afternoon Frank and a neighbor went to visit another neighbor who was in a nursing home. We live in the country on a little street where we raised our families and never left. Our children are grown and most have grandchildren even great grandchildren.  Our friendships have lasted almost 40 years. When Frank returned he told me that our friend was near death. He was breathing as Mike did just before he died. His wife was there by herself. I knew I had to go to her.  And I knew I could handle it. Why? because Mike told me I could. It was time for me to step outside of myself and reach out to someone who needed me.
When I arrived at the nursing home,  my friend and her son were sitting by her husband's bed. She turned to me and said, 'He just passed a few minutes ago.' I went to her and hugged her for a long time. Then I just sat in the room with them as they absorbed their loss.
I stayed with them a couple hours as their family came to them to share the pain and sadness. When there were plenty of family with her, I left. Today I will make them a casserole and bring it to them, just as she did for us two weeks ago. It's time to pay it forward. Life is a beautiful thing.

Learning from Michael

I went to the Wild Animal Park today. It is a place where I feel and hear Mike most clearly. I have always known it is sacred ground.  Today I walked a quiet path where the visitors rarely go. I sat down in a shady spot by a little creek. I asked Mike to join me. Within a few minutes a hawk flew overhead and landed on a tree nearby. Then it flew away, right over my head. The hawk seems to be one of Mike's favorite ways of letting me know he is here. He told me something that I had not thought about before. He said that there is no time for him. He is in eternity. And that means he is not bound by linear time. Therefore, he can step in and out of my life whenever I need him. There wont be a moment when he leaves me and moves on. He can easily step into any part of my experience and give me the broader perspective that he now enjoys. This was very reassuring to me. I was trying to cling to him to make him stay. I was hugging my grief to me because I was afraid that if I started feeling better he would leave. I realize now that I can get through the grieving process without sending Mike away. He will still be here when Im feeling better. Im already feeling better. Im engaging in my life, talking to my siblings and friends. And just feeling balanced and ok.

Im not getting the messages you are adding to the blog

It's very frustrating that you are posting to this blog and Im not getting all the posts. Please email me instead. Im using a yahoo email address so I dont pick up spam on my main address. Those of you who know my main email address can use that.
Email me here
Thanks, Sallee

Making sense of it

I have probably covered this before. But in pieces here and there. Today there is clarity. Here is how I see it today.
Michael was a brilliant sensitive man. But he was not able to sustain a long term relationship with a woman. He sabotaged  relationships again and again. He had several long term relationships over the years. The women he chose matched where he was psychologically, emotionally and in his stage of alcoholism. Each relationship was more dysfunctional than the last. Finally there were no more. He just didnt have the psychic energy to pursue a relationship. He even sabotaged his relationships in the family.  He had us. He knew we loved him.  But we werent enough for him. How could we be? Nevertheless, he stayed here on earth much longer than than he would have because of us. There were numerous suicide attempts and plans which we foiled with our love over the years.  He even told us that he stayed because he didnt want to put us through the pain of loosing him.We knew he was suffering. But we were helpless to make him better.  He managed to continue working when he was very very sick. His friends at the Limo company talked about the friendship they had with him. They would often stay after a long shift and chat with each other late into the night, make music and just relaxing. They said they never saw him drink. They said that he was one of the best drivers at the company.They really liked him. They saw the charming handsome witty Mike that we hadnt seen in years. When it was finally time to go home, he knew there was no one waiting for him. He would stop and buy a bottle of vodka. We even found a receipt for a bottle of vodka dated April 3. My therapist told me the booze numbed the pain. He knew he was killing himself. He had distanced himself from us so that he could be free to do it. He told us not to come over and bang on his door. He wanted us to leave him alone. Frank said it took a lot of courage to do what he did. To look death in the face and invite it in. That took courage. The end was not easy. He suffered greatly. And we suffered to see our beloved son in pain.
But Michael knew he wasnt ending his life. He was merely stepping out of his body to be all that he truly was. He had complete faith that he was going to Jesus. Why would he want to stay here, when the glory and the joy and the unconditional love of God waited for him on the other side?
As our dear Heidi said, "Mike was a glorious spirit living in a tortured body, so leaving it would have been a priority for him, a goal that is difficult for us to understand because our bodies' chemistry doesn't have the same problems.
Michael, I understand all of this. But I need you to confirm it in my mind. My heart still hurts so bad.  My heart aches when I think of the pain and loneliness you felt every night when you were alone in your room.
Help me heal before you go.
Love Mom

Katie

I have not said much about Katie, Mike's sister in this blog. It isnt that Im not thinking about her. Im sure this is as difficult for her as it is for us. But I feel that it is up to her to tell her part of the story. It is unlikely that she would do this in so public a forum. So I am respecting her privacy and leaving her out of the blog.

Condolences

Mike and his cousin Sean at Meghan's wedding

We are hearing from Frank's side of the family. His sister Patty has been telling them of Mike's death. Frank's brother Tom and his wife Sandy just called. They dont know what to say. There really isnt anything to say. So we told them more details and I will send them the link to the blog. It pretty much says it all. It is a comfort to receive cards and calls and emails. Sometimes the calls are difficult. But in the long run it is probably good to get them. Enough time has passed that we might be able to talk without breaking down. But you never know. Things change from one minute to the next.
On Saturday it will have been two weeks since Mike died. I still can not wrap my mind around that fact. The only time I believe it to be true is when I remember weeping over his body. I put my hand under his shoulder and it was still warm. It's still such a shock.
Mark Bauman's mother, Joyce sent a sweet card with these words of comfort, 'Death leaves a heartache that no one can heal. Love leaves a memory that no one can steal'
I have to remember the love we shared with Mike. No matter how bad things were, we always took the time to say, 'I love you' to each other.  Mike knew that we loved him, no matter how far away he was.

Momentos of Mike

As I go through Mikes things I find little things that give me both comfort and pain. Here are a few, his hat, the glasses he wore when driving limo's, the tie he wore when he was dressed for work. And the saddest thing of all is this one month token from AA. One month of sobriety.  It speaks volumes about the pain we feel.

Frank's note

This morning Frank left me a post-it note:
How can I miss a guy who was so troubled? But I do!
I love you,
Frank

Memories

The memories flood back and threaten to overwhelm me. I keep thinking about when he died. Sue took me down to the Casa. I ran to his room and threw myself on him. I cried and cried and cried. I said the things that both Frank and I wanted to say to him. Michael, Michael I loved you so!
A few days before he died he was restless and in pain. We begged the nurses to give him more medication. Finally we got a hold of the hospice nurse and they told the floor nurse what to give him. After an hour he finally slept peacefully. From then on they made sure he had enough medicine on board. He slipped into a semi coma and never really came back to us. I brought a soft light velvety blanket from home. The hospital blankets werent long enough for his long legs. After I put it on him I felt like he was at peace and covered with my love. He looked so peaceful that I decided to take a picture of him. Im glad I did. My mind goes back to the hour of his death again and again. Im comforted to know he was covered with the blanket I brought him. I asked the nurses to be sure he was covered with the blanket when they took him away.
Today I bought a replacement blanket, The same kind I put on Mike but a different color. It brings a flood of memories.
I need those memories. I need to feel all of it. I havent felt it enough yet. I dont want to let him go yet. It would be worse not to feel this pain and sadness.  The only thing that helps is to write it here and to know that all of you who love me are reading it. I miss talking to you. But it's still hard for me. I cry. Please email me.

Here is the last picture I have of Mike 2 Days before he died

Mike Memorial Video

what is healthy grieving?

People say that I shouldnt obsess. That I should do the things I did before Mike died. Im doing that. Today I went to the gym. I planted some of the flowers that Sue bought for the memorial. I washed some clothes. But nothing is working. The pain of loosing Mike is still there. It waits for me. It sneaks up on me, ready to pounce when Im not expecting it. The doc says to limit the time I spend thinking about Mike and going over the details of his death. But how can I when so many things remind me of him. The last car he drove was my Toyota Camry. We sold it to him when we bought a new one for me. The problem is that there are a gazillion  99 Beige Toyota Camry's out there. I cant drive anywhere without seeing one. So there is a trigger ever two minutes. Pretty much everything is a trigger.
It's a knife slowly turning in my gut. It's pretty hard to ignore. I just want to cry and cry and cry. But wait! That isnt healthy!

A small comfort

There is a story on the local news site about a woman who was arrested for a DUI. Usually when I see a story like that I worry that Mike might get a DUI or worse. Check that off as one less thing to worry about. Why dont I feel good about it??

My heart hurts

I thought I was going to be ok. But today I cant stop thinking about him,  no matter how I try to distract myself.

How can this be?

How can a man who is so big and strong and handsome be dead?????

What is bipolar mixed state

I saw my therapist Dr Layton today. He is a bipolar disorder specialist. He knows Mike. He met him a few years ago. And a lot of what I talk about is Mike. He explained to me today that Mike had what he called mixed. By that he means, not only was he depressed, but he was manic. This causes incredible pain and discomfort. I showed him some of Mike's art. I said, he certainly seemed to be able to focus for a long time in order to make these complex pieces. He said he probably worked really fast in a manic state. He really liked some of the pictures. Im going to have one or two of them mounted for him.  When Im up for it, Im going to take them to an art gallery to see if they are as good as I think they are.  Dr Layton explained to me that when he was out working Mike was on his game, functioning very efficiently and being very personable. But when he got home to his empty room the walls closed in on him. He drank to numb himself.
Frank and I are reminding ourselves that we took Michael in on many occasions. He told us very clearly last January that he doesnt want to come home. And he doesnt want us coming to check on him.  He was already on a path. We suspected as much. He was standing in front of the train. We couldnt stop the train, and we couldnt pull him off of the tracks as we had done so many times before. Thats what we go over and over and over. That's what breaks our hearts.

Email from Mike

Here is an email from Mike dated August 12 2010

 Everything is in order. I go back and forth to work and come home to nothing. It is my own damn fault. I know drivers that work extra hours to just not come home and be alone. I don't even care about the money other than what it takes to survive. I need to go to the bank because I have 4 checks to cash. People throw money at me because I am engaging and truly do appreciate their company. But they have no idea why. I've been depressed lately. So life seems drab. I don't want you to think this is in anyway a complaint against the family. I made my own bed now I lay in it for 20 hours sometimes (but what fantastic dark dreams I had (I feel a drawing coming on) and remember it explicitly might combine it with my butchers experience as a child and add it to Leonard Cohen's "The Butcher"). With the exception of Skip and Steve (shirleys steve) nobody calls me back. It's kind of like the doctor. Kate told me in the hospital that I need to keep more in touch with the extended family and so I did try. Some were complete disasters and some were indifferent except for Skip. 

Mike

I do not see this email as an indictment on the family. Mike burned his bridges, then complained that no one crossed them. He set himself up for this, and he knew it. But it does help to see where he was psychologically.

Michael's art

If you wish to email me, please use this link:Email Sallee

I bought a nice portfolio today to keep Mike's art in. It was just rolled up. There are hundreds of very complex pieces. I took some pictures of them. I think they are good. Im not sure where to go with these.
Yes they are dark. It shows how disturbed Mike was.  At the same time he was brilliant and could focus on a project for a very long time. Each of these drawings had to take hours. I have in my possession a life time of Mike's work.

Heidi's email

I got this email from Heidi yesterday Heidi was Mike's high school sweetheart. They were together for a couple of years after high school as well. I felt it worth adding in it's entirety.
If you wish to email me click on this link: Email Sallee Im using this to protect my main email address from spam

Hi Sallee,

 

I've been reading your daily blog and can't tell you how much I appreciate your open and honest sharing of what is happening in yours and Mr. O'Brien's lives. I took the time to read the older posts too, which caught me up to where you both are now.

 

I hope you know that sharing your thoughts and grief is a selfless act of healing for us all. Today's post ("Sorting it out") was extremely significant. I didn't realize how serious Mike's alcoholism and emotional state was, and I am upset that I didn't keep better contact with you and him throughout the years. My thinking was that Mike had a great family and upbringing, so life was good for him. He was handsome, charming, and intelligent so his successes would be easy. I never imagined this success would be negative.

 

Sallee, I remember you as the embodiment of a mother diety, so trying to "sort out" why your son was an alcoholic instead of the President of the United States is impossible for me. I do believe that life's process is to equalize, constantly shifting and moving so that the balance continues into a seamless harmony - a harmony that may be perceived as chaotic at times. Living as "matter" (our bodies) is only a portion of the the harmonious whole; therefore, believing that those we love are entirely gone after they leave their bodies is not natural and does not support the efficiency of nature. The spirit of life is the most powerful and valuable form of energy in the universe. So when the phase of living in the human body is gone, it is then returned to the greatness that is. Mike was a glorious spirit living in a tortured body, so leaving it would have been a priority for him, a goal that is difficult for us to understand because our bodies' chemistry doesn't have the same problems.

 

From your posts, Mike is with you, and from the look of it, he is finally in the position to support and love you, Frank and Katie now. Many native cultures, including the Hawaiians, believe that the ties of family cannot be broken, even in death. I believe this too. As a spirit, Mike is now able to cherish and love you, Mr. O'Brien and Katie (as well as the rest of his family), fulfilling his obligation as the wonderful son he wasn't able to be in his body. There are more connections waiting for you from Mike. I knew him before all of the hardships and know that all of his conact with you will be irresistible, wondrous and a restoration for all that was.

 

Love, Heidi 

No fear of death

Michael was not afraid of death. In fact he longed for it. So when his doctor told him that if he drank again, he would die, it carried no weight with him.  He was confident that he would be with God when he died. In some strange twisted way he did something very courageous. During his time on earth it took courage to face another day of pain. The depressions he suffered were unimaginable. His art shows the depth of despair he felt. He created hundreds of complex drawings with many colors that almost always had a satanic face in the middle of them. I once asked him why he kept drawing the same thing. He said, 'It gets it out of my head and on to paper'. They are the drawings of a very troubled mind. He wanted to be in a place of peace. To get there he had to go through pain and suffering that can only be imagined. It took courage to live and even more courage to die. Now that he has shed this body that caused him so much pain, he is free to be who he really is. He is here with me now. Perhaps thats why I have stopped crying. He promised to stay until Im ready for him to go. This Michael is full of light and love and peace. He is giving that to me now.

All of you

This picture was taken before Mike died. I intend to get back to that person sooner rather than later.
Im getting emails from friends and family who are following this blog. You are telling me that it is helpful. You can check in with us and see how we are doing. You can comment and tell us stories and insights about Mike, and us and dealing with alcoholism and bipolar disorder. I have always believed in telling it like it is. No beating around the bush with euphemisms and innuendoes. I know that there are others out there who are living this same tragedy. How can we help each other if we don't really talk about it? That is part of the disease. Friends and family cover for the person with the disease. It only perpetuates and causes further harm to the loved ones of the person with alcoholism.
It's time for all of us to stand up and say, "Im mad as hell and Im not going to take it any more!'
 I am getting your messages sent via this blog, sometimes. But I cant seem to make them show up on the blog. So Im including a link to a secondary email address that can handle spam if it gets out there, Email Sallee
Thank you, all of you for your comments, your concern, your participation in the process of healing, understanding and accepting what has happened to us and to Mike.
Love, Sallee

Sorting it out

Both  Frank and I had trouble sleeping last night. The mind chews on things like a dog on a bone.  We had a long talk this morning.  Even though intellectually we know that we did everything we could for Mike. Emotionally we second guess ourselves. My struggle is with the fact that we 'broke up' with Mike in January. We told him we didnt want to be involved in his problems. We wanted to live our own lives, not his. This came about because he had been so unkind and inexplicably abusive (verbally) to me. It made me so unhappy that I 'ran away' to Sacramento. I wanted to move up there and just live in peace surrounded by my family. When I came back Frank and I went to a couples counselor. She agreed that the things that Mike had said and done in January, and before were abusive. I wanted to make a clean break with Mike. Frank didnt want to. But he went along with it because he knew that my mental health was fragile.  So we called him and told him we didnt want to be involved in his problems any more. His response as 'At last you get it! I dont WANT you involved with my stuff.'

I realize now that he created this whole scenario so that he could justify drinking himself to death.  He knew that if we didnt hear from him or he didnt respond to our phone calls or emails that we would go to his place and bang on the door until he answered. We have done that before, usually with good reason. Once when we did that he even agreed to be checked in to a mental hospital because he was very close to committing suicide.

I think it is a normal part of this process to find a way to blame yourself when someone commits suicide.  Frank and I are dealing with this in our own way. Yet we are able to help each other draw different conclusions than the ones that are stuck inside our heads.

On January 26, Mike sent an email to my friend Cris, who was also his friend. He said,  You could never understand what purpose I have with my family.  I am causing hurt  with clarity that you could never understand.  It is too bad mom has to suffer but I cannot achieve my goal otherwise. 

He had set his feet on a path. He got us play into his hand by alienating me. He was a master of manipulation.  As part of the healing process, Frank and I both need to make Mike responsible for his decisions, not us.

One week

It has been one week since Mike died. I say it like it is. He died, not passed away. I have to keep saying it to believe it myself. We could go a couple of weeks without hearing from Mike. So it would be easy to forget that we will never hear from him again. It feels like he is still around. I think he will hang out for a while before he is ready to leave. He has a lot to sort out. And a lot to help us sort out. He is in a position to do that now. The shoe is on the other foot. He has all the answers and we are left with all the questions. But that has been our life. We never knew what to do to make him better. It turns out nothing we did would make him better.  Was it a complete waste of time energy and love? I dont think so. I couldnt help but love him, in all his complexity. As I look through the pictures of him with us I remember that there was so much more to Mike than the thing that led him to his death. Im so glad I was such an avid photographer. I recorded all of our happy moments and some of our sad ones.  Im glad I have all of it now. 
I think about Mike almost all the time. When I get distracted for a while. I suddenly feel very sad. And then I remember why. But I will move forward. 
One more thing. I have said very little about Katie our wonderful daughter and Bruce our wonderful son in law. That is because I think they would not want their part of this story on the internet. I love them dearly. And Im very very proud of them. They were here when Mike died. That was important to me. They are back living their lives now. This is as it should be.

Frank and Sallee

I have finally been able to have some conversations with the family. I talked to Scott a couple of times. I tried talking to Mom. But  my throat closed up and I couldnt talk. This morning I had a conversation with Shirley that lasted a little longer before my throat closed. She told me that all of you are concerned about us. And rightfully so. We have lost our son. Nothing can change that. Frank and I are talking about Mike and the things that trouble us about his death. We are assuring each other that we did all that could possibly be done and then some.  We have to go back to that again and again. Eventually we will come to accept it.

We want all of you to know that we are going to work through this and get to the other side. I do not intend to let myself go and become a mother who can not get free of her grief over her son. Mike has been with me from the other side. He promised to help me before he goes on. He didnt want us to go through this. But he also didnt want us to spend the rest of our lives trying to fix what cant be fixed. He tried so hard to protect us from his chaos. But he just couldnt manage it. Some may be angry at Mike for putting us through this. Im not. I understand him and why he lived his life the way he did.
There is a small part of me that has stepped back and become the observer. Just as I did as I broke my ankle. Im looking for what I can learn from this.  I will embrace it and add it to all that I already know about myself. This will put me in the unique position of being someone who lost a son to alcoholism. Hopefully I can help someone else going through this lifelong tragedy.  But that isnt the main thrust of my grieving. I just want to honor Mike and the life he lived, and more than that honor myself for being the best mother I could possibly be.
To all of you who are concerned about my well being. Dont worry. Somewhere down the road I will be ok. I just have to work through this. Your love and concern help me in ways I cant describe. Please post here or email me. Your words and thoughts are a comfort.
Love, Sallee

In the arms of the angel

Angel By Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting

For that second chance

For a break that would make it okay

There’s always one reason

To feel not good enough

And it’s hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction

Oh beautiful release

Memory seeps from my veins

Let me be empty

And weightless and maybe

I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel

Fly away from here

From this dark cold hotel room

And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage

Of your silent reverie

You’re in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line

And everywhere you turn

There’s vultures and thieves at your back

And the storm keeps on twisting

You keep on building the lie

That you make up for all that you lack

It don’t make no difference

Escaping one last time

It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh

This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel

Fly away from here

From this dark cold hotel room

And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage

Of your silent reverie

You’re in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort there

You’re in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort here 

The Man in the kilt

I was walking down the hill on one of the back trails of the Wild Animal Park listening to the bagpipes we had played at Mike's memorial. When I looked up and saw a man in a kilt standing by a fence. I couldnt believe my eyes. I went up to him and showed him the flyer from Mike's funeral. Then I burst into tears and threw myself in his arms. If he was a little taken aback he didnt show it. He just held me and let me cry.He told me he is Scotch Irish. Just like Mike! He was a tall man, like Mike.  I told him my maiden name is Campbell. He said that he was from Clan Macgregor. Like the Scottish hero Rob Roy. He said that Rob Roy married a Campbell. So we might be distantly related. He told me I reminded him of his mother who is short with white hair. He had such a comforting presence. I had the presence of mind to take a picture and to ask him if I could have a picture taken with him. What are the odds of seeing a man in a kilt at the Wild Animal Park while listening to bagpipes from Mike's memorial??????

Yellow flowers

Katie had a dream on the day of Mike's memorial. She dreamt she saw Mike under an arbor full of bright yellow flowers. She asked how it was there. He said, 'It's better than the alternative' with a twinkle in his eye. For us dying is the alternative. To Mike, living was the alternative. Katie told me to watch for yellow flowers. Mike would be near when I saw them.
Today I went to the Wild Animal Park, my place of healing. I had my iPhone and was listening to the music we played at Mike's memorial. He had some bagpipe music on his computer. So I used that. I have always loved bagpipe music. So it seemed appropriate. I sat on a bench by my favorite pond, far from the crowds. I felt him sitting beside me with his arm around me, as he did so often. I cried and cried as I listened to the Angel song.(Sarah Maclachlan) Then he said, come on Mom, get up and lets walk. We walked over to the new Bonsai exhibit. There at the entrance was a huge tree with yellow flowers. I knew he was with me. He promised he wouldnt leave until I felt ok. He knows he caused this pain, and it hurts him. He will try to heal it before he goes.

Grieving my way

There are many ways to grieve a loss. But there is no right or wrong way. Each day is different. Sometimes Im completely overwhelmed with pain and sorrow. Sometimes I function as I did before Mike died. Sometimes I just walk through the hours oblivious to the world around me, in a daze. I try to think of the happy times we had with Mike. There are many.

My plan is to feel all my feelings, shed all my tears. Then find ways to think that feel good and healthy.  I most certainly wont abandon all I have learned about myself. I will use the tools I have put in place to transition to a place that feels ok.  I will get my life back, not as it was before Mike died. But a life that has meaning and value and feeds my soul. I will do this for me, not Mike. He wanted this for Frank and I. It is one of the reasons he left. I will not beat myself up over decisions I made in my relationship with Mike that he may have construed as permission from us to leave.  He wanted to go for a very long time. But we wanted him to stay. He stayed and struggled with his demons in order to protect us from what we are feeling now. When we 'broke up' with him, he was relieved. He said, 'At last you get it!"

In one of his last poems he said, 'I know what Im doing'. He decided to rip the bandaid off so that we could heal. He made the ultimate sacrifice. I get it!

When I Must leave you

My heart is broken

Will it ever mend? I dont know. I cant even talk to my family without crying. I havent talked to Mom in over a week. We usually talk about every other day. If I try to talk to them I just cry. I dont want to make Mom cry. She needs to stay more even.
I just cant stop thinking about my beautiful boy with the fatal flaw. Why oh why was he cursed with this?  He had two fatal flaws.. the bipolar disorder and the alcoholism. It just isnt fair. 
I saw Dr Layton (my therapist today) He told me that only 8% of alcoholics recover. 8%!!!!!! That is just awful. He told me that Mike was ok when he was with people. But when he went home the pain was unbearable. So he numbed himself with alcohol.
This horrible disease has taken a son, a brother, a cousin, an uncle, a nephew. So many people are hurting tonight because he is gone.  But I hurt the most. Im his mother.

The day after

Every day seems harder than the last. Today Sue left. I will miss her terribly. She was my rock. She did everything from rake the garden to cook the food, sweep the floor, clean the bathroom and make sure the house was in good order for the memorial. But that is just the physical things. She was there for me in every way. I knew I could count on her. Frank too was very appreciative of all that she did. He said she proved herself a true Christian, not by words but by deeds.

We went up to the memorial site for one last look. Here is my wonderful sister Sue.

Toby gave me some therapy on the 'big rock'

The big rock, where Michael and I both came from time to time to reconnect with heaven.

The Memorial

Yesterday was a day of pain, remembrance  and sharing. Mikes friends and ours got together to share stories of his life and comfort each other.  Mike's co- workers and high school friends came along with our friend's and neighbors.
The pictures tell the story.

 Watching the video I made of Mike

 Michael's friend Jon Hermsen from La Costa Limo who called us to tell us that Mike was very sick. They brought a limo to drive us up to the site of the memorial.

Standing in front of the limo after the memorial. 

It's not to late to sign Mike's memorial book

This site has a glitch and people havent been able to leave comments. Please go here to leave your comments. Please click here to go to Mike's memorial memories.

Now comes the hard part

All of it was hard except yesterday. Yesterday was wonderful. I met so many people who loved Mike and told stories about him. Today Sue leaves and I will be alone with my memories. I put pictures of Mike around and made a slide show of him. I connected my computer to the TV and looped it. It played all day on our big TV. I was able to erase the memory (pretty much) of those last awful days with Mike, as he slowly and painfully slipped away from us.
Sue and I went up to the big rock this morning, one of his favorite places.